Sunday, December 1, 2019

Just SAD

I stood in the kitchen at 11:30 at night, and shook my fist in the air, "Take me now, God! I am ready.  I am so sick of this life. I am a failure.  I can't get anything done. I can't accomplish anything. I am worthless to you and to everyone here. Take me now and get someone else to write for you!!   I can not do it."

As soon as the thoughts ran through my head, I felt HIM come to me. I knew it was HIM because I immediately began to calm down, and I felt a small amount of the peace I had been missing in recent weeks.

HIS words danced across my heart and through my brain at once. I don't hear him speak to me audibly,  it's more of a knowing, a feeling that is translated in my heart and becomes words in my brain...

"I chose you and I do not make mistakes.  I chose you because you are strong, and you don't quit. You're not quitting now, my child. It's not in you.  You have been struggling.  Satan is fighting you hard, but that is because you are so close...  so very close to accomplishing what you want, what I want for you.  He is using others surrounding you to keep you from progressing, but don't falter. You have made so many strides, so much progress.  You are not going to quit. You have more work to do."

I wish I could say I was happy to hear this message in my heart, but I was not.  I felt chastised, embarrassed at my temper tantrum and at my selfish request. I felt a little mad that despite how miserable I have been feeling, I was gonna be left here to do all this crap alone.

I have been struggling.  Just a few weeks ago I was filled with joy and hope.  But then the skies darkened and the temperature dropped and my brain quit making enough serotonin to keep me from wanting to leave society and become a hermit. I know what this is. I have suffered from it before. It is the entire reason I began my last prescription of Zoloft many years back.   Seasonal Affective Disorder.  It is commonly referred to as the "winter blues." I have had it before, sometimes as early as September, but I do not remember suffering from it so violently as I have been this go around.

I thought I had it under control. The last few years I hadn't suffered from it at all. What had caused it to return with such a vengeance this year is beyond my understanding.

Things have been tough for the last few months. I had a family member have a serious illness. I have lost several pets. My husband and I have not been getting along at all. He returned to third shift which has caused his own set of problems, that directly affect me.  I am stretched thin.  My days are spent running errands, often making 3-4 trips to town every day.  I get up at 6:30 and don't make it back to sleep until 1 AM most nights. If I nap I am made to feel guilty.  I regularly feel unappreciated by everyone in my household. I can't keep up with the housework and am made to feel like I am worthless because of it.  I have to work too, some days I am substitute teaching at the local elementary schools...a job I love, but also an extremely stressful job. Add in my own money troubles, and it has already been a recipe for disaster even before the sun began to head towards the winter solstice.

I have hinted I need help catching up with things, but so far no one in my small circle seems to take the hint. So I feel incredibly alone a lot of the time because no one understands how I feel or what I am really going through. Some people don't seem to care at all that I am suffering and brush off the scary thoughts that sometimes run through my head.

You can't make people who have never experienced depression understand it. You literally are sad, FOR NO REASON.  It is different from being down in the dumps about a life event. When I am upset about something that has occurred in my life, I know the reason why I am feeling the way I am and I know that it will pass eventually. When you are depressed, there is no reason. I mean the things I complained about a few paragraphs ago are my life.  Most of the time I would get mad about them,  yell a little bit, shake them off,  and move on. However, now that I am depressed  I am just sad. Sometimes I am sad about these things but unlike usual, I can't shake the sadness, and a lot of the time, I am just sad for no apparent reason.

My sister, in her attempt to help, told me I should just choose joy.  I do. I really do try, but with depression, I could choose joy all day, every day, but I can't feel it.  My brain is all messed up from the lack of sunlight and all it wants me to feel is sadness. So despite jamming out to some Christmas carols,  watching sappy Hallmark movies, and watching an amazing sunset, my brain will not allow me to process that into joy. I'm still just sad, despite my best attempts to feel happiness.

I don't plan to rest on my laurels and just wait for this to get better on its own.   I am ordering me a full spectrum light to help with the lack of sunlight, and I am gonna force myself to get outside more despite the dreadfully cold weather.  I am gonna pray a lot because let's be honest...I need Jesus right now.

If you want to learn more about Seasonal Affective Disorder  follow this link:

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